The Battle Continues

"What if your blessings comes through rain drops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know He's near?

What if trials of this life are His mercies in disguise."

These words penned by Laura Story have spoken to my heart these past several months. Yesterday I received news that I really didn't want to hear. The test results from my PET scan had come in and instead of two more chemotherapy treatments, I would need four.

I began to cry in the doctors office as he gave me the news. My doctor hugged me and assured me that he still had good news. He showed me the results from the latest PET scan and showed me how much of the cancer was still alive and how much had died. I started at a 14% and now the cancer is at 4% so that is impressive progress!

Although the doctor was pleased with my progress I was disappointed. My husband and I had planned to fly to the Smoky Mountains for our one year anniversary vacation and the doctor advised against it because he felt that I wouldn't be strong enough to make the trip. So we have delayed our plans, hopefully just to February.

Another part of the news that was a bit down heartening was the fact that my doctor gives me no hope of ever regaining full use of my right lung again. He said the upper and middle lobes are completely collapsed and I will more than likely function on one lung the rest of my life.

I can live with that. It's not the news I may want but in comparison to my life, that is a small thing to do without.

I am praying for strength for these upcoming chemo treatments. The last several treatments have been harder than usual and I've dealt with sickness, increased weakness and other complications. I pray that God helps me to be brave and strong to face what I have to face.

Once again, I must brag on my wonderful husband that God has placed in my life. He is wonderful beyond words. He just told me today "I know you can do this. You are my brave girl and you are strong. You will come through this and be ok!" I love him so much for his support and for loving me for ME. In a world so filled with multiple relationships, divorce and infidelity it is a rare thing to find a young couple that can withstand something so tragic in the first year of their marriage. I'm not promoting us, but I'm promoting the goodness of God. You want the love that your grandparents had? Commit your way unto the Lord and He will direct your path. Marriages that last 50 years and more is not the stuff of legends. A love for one another that goes beyond looks is not a thing of the past.

I have decided to add a new segment to my blog. I will be uploading before and after pictures of my fight against cancer. I have made the decision to do this because if you're reading my blog but you've never actually experienced any of this it can be hard to understand. A picture speaks a thousand words. I feel that my readers will better understand my journey and the journeys of others through the lens of the camera.

Keep checking back for more posts!

God bless

-Amy

A Celebration of Life

I knew this Birthday would be different. This was a year unlike any other and this would be a Birthday to remember, one like no other.

I confess to feeling sad and just a little depressed this year as my Birthday rolled around. I reflected on what a wonderful Birthday I had the previous year, my 21st Birthday was definitely one to remember. Not for the fact that I turned 21 but that my husband proposed to me three days after my Birthday which was the best Birthday present I have ever and will ever receive.

But this year would be different because this year I had cancer. Never in my wildest dreams would I have fathomed that I would have cancer at the age of 22. I thought of all the lost months, the days of sickness, the weeks spent in the hospital wondering and waiting and then the endless days without a job just staying home and trying to get better.

I felt sad because I wasn't "well" and I could no longer go and do everything I used to be able to. I was looking at a future that by the world's standards did not look beautiful. And the worst part of it all was that I was scheduled to have another round of chemotherapy the day before my Birthday. I knew what would happen the next day. My Birthday gift would be one of sickness and pain. I would be in bed most of the day and feel downright lousy.

I admit, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I tried not to show it and didn't say anything to my husband or family. I knew it was selfish of me to indulge in these feelings so I just tried to hide it, however I did have a bit of a pity party.

As a little Birthday vacation, I went to Oklahoma for a week to visit my Granny. While there, her church was having a tent revival and I was able to attend. The first night was packed. There was close to 100 people there and the service was wonderful. Towards the end of the service I noticed a young man in the back sitting in a wheel chair. He looked so happy as he worshiped and sang. He was unable to move or stand from his wheel chair, but he gave all he had to God.

My Dad noticed me watching this young man and told me the story behind his praise. He had recently started going to church and had just received the Holy Ghost weeks before. He was 21 years old and had never stood or walked. He was born with a disease that caused his feet, legs and ankles to never develop past that of a small child.

As I watched this young man praising God with fearless abandon, I felt convicted and ashamed of the pity party I had been having for myself. Here I was, also 21 and with a very bad illness, however I knew the joy of walking and running. I may not feel as good as I would like but I can stand on my own two feet and worship God. I can walk where I need to go and I'm not confined to a wheel chair.

I cried even harder as I remembered my days in the hospital when I was confined to a wheel chair and was too weak to even walk across the room. I knew how this young man felt, I had been there not able to walk or run. I knew the struggle he went through and the pain he endured. I determined that night to praise past the pain. I would be thankful for every blessing God had given this past year and praise Him for the blessings ahead.

I would not focus on the present or even the future, I would focus on the goodness of God. As I did this, something began to change within me. I had the feeling that this would be the best Birthday I ever had.

Now I don't know how your family celebrates Birthdays, but in my family it was always a big event. Almost like Christmas. I guess being an only child also had something to do with that. Every year my parents would throw a party and I would have friends and family over. As a child the party would be a theme and we would dress to match the theme or have food and decorations to go along with that theme.

As I grew older the parties became a nice dinner with family and friends, an outing with girlfriends or a large shopping trip. Some of my Birthday's were celebrated in Branson, MO, our all time favorite vacation spot.

I was feeling disappointed about my Birthday this year because I knew there would be no celebration. After all, what were we celebrating? I know this sounds horribly selfish and I am ashamed to even share that I felt this way, but it is important for you to understand how I felt so you will better understand what comes next.

As I sat and watched that young man praising God against all odds that night I realized why this would be the best Birthday I ever had. This year I was celebrating life. I know every Birthday is a celebration of life, but when you've been diagnosed with a fatal illness and God has brought you back from the gates of death not once but twice, you REALLY have a reason to celebrate life!

I was happy this year because I'm alive. I can walk, run, eat, see, move my hands and arms. I can hear, I can talk, I'm not in a hospital and I have a wonderful husband and family. God has been better to me than I deserve. His blessings are so bountiful they are beyond counting! I have more to be thankful for this year than any year before.

I have alot to look forward to. In alot of ways when I come through this trial I will be a new person. I'll have new hair, a new life, a new attitude and a new heart. God is making all things new for me. There will be beauty for these ashes!

We decided to celebrate my Birthday a few days early knowing I would be sick on the actual day. Mom and I went shopping in Conway and I hit the jackpot. My wardrobe had been severely diminished since I've been sick because I've lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to a few favorite pieces of clothing and desperately needed some new clothes. I was able to find nearly an entire winter wardrobe for a very low price. I couldn't be happier!

After shopping, we went to eat my favorite food - sushi! Mom baked one of my favorite cakes and I had a wonderful day celebrating with my husband and mother. I received many beautiful cards and well wishes from friends and family alike and I couldn't be more thankful to them for making my day so special. It truly was the best Birthday I've ever had.

I know years from now I'll look back on this Birthday with fond memories. I'll remember this as the year that I stepped out of my shallow selfish wants and I realized what it is to be truly thankful. To truly celebrate life with reckless abandon. Unlike previous years, instead of just reading a Birthday card and appreciating the nice words, I read them and cherished it. I cherished the fact that I am ALIVE!

This post might not mean much to some of you, but maybe it will encourage someone to step out of their self and realize just how many things we all have to be thankful for.

Keep reading for more on my journey through cancer.

God Bless,

-Amy

Blessings

I didn't know what we were going to do. We had faced some struggles in our marriage prior to this one and God had always come through and provided our every need but it seemed so much worse now that we were also facing cancer.

I won't go into alot of detail here because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and feel sorry for us. This is not about feeling sorry for us, but about a testimony to the faithfulness of our God.

There had been some changes made on my husbands job and everyone wasn't getting as many hours as they were orginally scheduled. The bills kept piling in and Medicaid still hasn't come through for our hospital bills. As I lay in bed feeling helpless to do anything, my husband held me and reminded me of the words I had told him in the past, "Honey don't worry about anything. Just pray and give it to God. Something will come through. Didn't David say he had never seen the righteous forsaken or their seed begging bread? God will provide. Just give it to Him." I decided I couldn't do anything else but pray so I began to cry out to God. "God we need a miracle! What will we do? You know there is no way we can make it unless you step in."

The next morning we wrote up a budget for all of our bills. We discovered that if we were very careful we would have everything covered in October except groceries. Just a minor little detail! ha! We still had some food in the cabinet from last months grocery trip so I told him we could make that last as long as we needed to. I thought everything was taken care of. We were depending on the fact that my disability check should come through anytime and that would save us.

I was feeling some better and then a few days later I received a letter from the Social Security office stating that my disability claim would be held until the end of this month because my illness was recent. I realized the storm wasn't over. Now what would we do? With no promise of a check coming in we had no way to pay all of the bills and eat this month. God would HAVE to come through for us. There was no other way.

I entered into my prayer closet again and sent up a desperate plea for help. I would not ask anyone for handouts, we weren't looking for free money we had not worked for, we just needed God to intervene. I was reminded that God owned the cattle on a thousand hills, couldn't I trust him to take care of us?

I felt some peace after that and determined to give this matter to the Lord.

A few days later, God certainly came through! My parents church decided to have a benefit garage sale/bake sale for us and made enough to cover our rent for the next month. Then a few days before my birthday my parents pastors wife came to my mom and wanted to give me a Birthday gift. She asked mom what I might need and mom simply replied "groceries". This dear lady went above and beyond what I could've imagined. She filled my mom's back seat and trunk with everything from food to personal items! We had our groceries for October!

I called to tell my husband of the good news and he had some news of his own. A family member had asked for a grocery list and went to the store and bought everything on our list. Our kitchen cabinets were full and over flowing! God never blesses half way!

That following Sunday at church a brother in the church walked up and handed us a check. When we got home we discovered it was just the amount to cover our electric bill. Thank you Jesus! He had provided our every need and we had more than enough!

That same week a co worker of my husbands found out he didn't have as many hours as he usually has and offered to let my husband work one of his shifts so he would have more hours. God had answered our every prayer. He never does things half way! I can testify that He IS an on time God!

Most people don't realize this but not only is the fight against cancer a physical battle, but it is a finical battle and a battle of the mind.

You see, cancer causes so many more side effects than one can simply see with the eye but it creates a battle in the mind. You must conqure fear, the feeling of helplessness, uselessness, and the feeling that you're no longer beautiful or worth anything. Finical stress just adds to these battles. Most cancer patients face the struggle of insurmountable medical bills due to long stays in the hospital and on going treatments and doctor visits. This can had a huge strain on an already strained life.

I've learned through prayer and Bible reading the key to winning this battle. That is simply to have a made up mind that no matter how hard the road gets or how bad the fight is, I will not give up. I will overcome. If you make up in you're mind that you are a winner and you will not accept defeat, part of your battle has already been won. You must have a made up mind.

My former pastor used to tell me when I was going through a trial to look at the "bear hides on my wall" meaning to look back over my past trials and victories and like David say, "I slew the lion and I slew the bear, Who are you, a Philistine to defy the army of the Living God?" I can look back at past trials and say, "If I overcome that, I can overcome this."

May you be an Overcomer today in all you do for God's glory!

Stay posted for more of my stories about my fight against cancer!

God Bless,

-Amy Whitfield

The Battle

I awoke early that morning. It was my first chemo treatment at the clinic at UAMS and I wanted to be ready on time. I didn't know what to expect and was a bit nervous but was told that my second treatment would be easier than my first.

I walked into a packed waiting room where many patients sat with vacant stares and no smiles. I was greeted by a rather rude nurse who demanded my name and then shoved a paper in my face for me to sign in. I was put off by her uncaring attitude in a place of obvious suffering but I determined to be nice to her and let Christ's light shine through me.

I signed my name and then waited. I had brought my mother and father along with me for my first treatment since my husband had to work and couldn't be there.

We waited for awhile and finally my name was called. I knew they would do blood work first and then I would go see my doctor to see what my results were and if my blood count was high enough I would go on to do my chemotherapy.

I carried my bag of hard candy Jolly Ranchers with me into the area where they did blood work because I knew from experience that the flush they used on my port was so strong in taste that it made me sick. A kind nurse in the hospital had told me that if I chewed on a piece of candy while they were flushing my port the taste wouldn't be so strong.

I entered a room as quiet as a tomb. There were cubicles all over like miniature hospital rooms but instead of doors there were curtains you could close for a bit of privacy. All the patients I saw were sleeping and looked to be in a drugged stupor. It was a truly scary place for a 21 year old to be entering for the first time. Fear of the unknown had my stomach clenched in knots.

My dad decided to go back with me for moral support. I was fearful that accessing my port would be painful as this was the first time I had ever had it accessed. I was told to rub the area on my skin with Preparation H to numb the skin so I wouldn't feel the sharp bee sting as the needle penetrated my skin. The needles they use for ports are about a half inch long and as thick as the end of a pen, so it's definitely something I did not want to feel if I could keep from it.

The night before my mom had a hankie anointed with oil and prayed over by Pastor Holmes and Bro. Betts and gave it to me to take with me for chemo. I clutched my hankie and prayed while the nurse prepared the area to access my port. She asked me to take a deep breath and on the count of three she entered my skin with the needle. I didn't feel a thing! She then began to take samples of my blood, which is my least favorite part. I always feel weak and shaky after they draw my blood.

I wasn't in there very long and then all was finished! I headed back up to the seventh floor where my doctors office was held. Again, I signed in and waited. After being called back we reviewed my blood work. The doctor read to us the level of my white blood cells, red blood cells, etc. Everything was high and exceptionally good so I was cleared to start chemotherapy that day.

We made our way down to the food court to eat lunch before starting chemo. I was so nervous I could hardly eat. Although this was my second round of chemo I was sedated for the first and slept through it so I didn't know what to expect. I was also told the rigors could happen a second time.

I made my way back into the room where they administered treatments. I was lead to a cubicle in the back by a kind, young nurse. I told her I was nervous because it was my first time and she did what she could to ease my fears.

First I was given two tylenol and some Kytrel as nausea medicine, then she administered some Benedryl through my IV to sedate me. I began to nod off to sleep a few minutes later. I then realized why it was so quiet and most of the patients were sleeping; they were all sedated prior to chemo.

I tolerated the treatment well. They started me off slow and then sped it up to maximum speed and all went well - no riggors the second time. Four and a half hours later I was done. I felt very groggy and tired after the dramatic experience of the whole day, but I didn't feel sick so we decided to celebrate with a take out dinner from Texas Roadhouse.

I ordered steak, baked potato and all the trimmings. I ate and felt pretty good that night. Little did I know that a hard learned lesson would be waiting on me the next morning. I woke up at 5:00am and before I could make it back to bed I was very sick. The rest of my day followed that pattern. I lost my nausea medicine I was scheduled to take and would get a little better and eat a few bites and immediately lose everything again. I was sick and hurting all over the entire day.

The days following were a little easier to handle but still very painful and rough. I had some dark nights and even darker mornings, but I made it through! By the second week I was feeling almost normal and by the third week I felt great! And then it was time to do it all over again. However, this time it wasn't as bad. I only got sick once and was able to control the pain pretty well with pain medicine.

I learned never to eat your favorite foods during chemo. As long as I live I will probably never be able to touch another steak again.

I have struggled with my anemia during chemo because it makes everything that much harder when you're already weak and low on blood. Chemo also tends to do that to you because it depletes yours system so much. I also learned what to expect the week after chemotherapy.

The five days I'm on prednisone after my treatment I can expect to be starving all the time. I have about five foods that I like to eat during this time because my stomach is still very sensitive and I must be careful to eat very mild things so I don't make myself sick. My mouth and throat also becomes sore about five days after my treatment so I have to be very careful of my diet and what I drink. On Day 6 after my treatment I can expect to feel very sore and bruised all over. My face and entire body hurts as if someone slammed me against hard concrete. Even the gentlest of touches is very painful. This is a result of the poison that chemo is pumping through my system. My lymph nodes swell in my neck and throat and everything aches all over. I also experience severe dizzy spells during this time as my blood count drops drastically.

This will last until about day 8 after my treatment and then I will begin to start feeling better. By day 9 & 10 my strength will return and I'm almost like my old self. I've learned to deal with all of this and take it in stride. I can tell you when these things will happen before they ever occur because I've watched the cycle and it's like clock work every month.

I just recently had my fourth chemo treatment and will find out the 24 of this month if I have 2 or 4 more treatments to go. I'm really hoping for 2! That would put me finishing chemo right before Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas present! At the beginning of my diagnosis they discussed giving me radiation as well due to the massive size of the cancer. However, I have responded so well to the chemo that they believe they can kill all of the cancer with just 6 treatments and no radiation. I'm hoping that is the case.

This has been a battle and a journey that I do not care to repeat. I pray I will never have to experience again what I have experienced in the last several months. This type of cancer, B Cell Lymphoma, has a very high cure rate and I was given an 80% chance of a total cure after chemotherapy. I was staged at a Stage 2 cancer but told that is still far better than it could've been.

I'm very thankful for the support of friends and family during this hard time. I cannot mention them without mentioning my precious husband of only 8 months. He has proven himself to be the man I knew he was when I married him. The hard times have shaped him into a loving, caring, warrior for my cause. He truly is my biggest supporter and I don't know what I would do without him. His love and support knows no bounds and he is always a strong rock I can lean on in the storms of life. When I am weak and at the end of my rope, he just reminds me to pray and not worry. "Just give it to God and stop worrying about it." He so often likes to remind me.

The hard times have been good for us because it has made our love for one another so much stronger. Our marriage is stronger for the hard times we've had to experience so early on. I have been told many times if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. I truly believe with God's help we can make it through the storms of life victoriously.

Thank you for reading my post and stay tuned for more on my journey through cancer.

God Bless,

-Amy Whitfield