I wondered for a moment where my family was and if they knew the outcome of the surgery yet.
As I lay in pain with a chest tube draining from my right lung a perky little nurse poked her head in the cubicle where I was. She inquired to my well being and I asked if I could have anything for the pain. She brought some water and returned shortly with a syringe filled with a clear substance.
She explained that she had one milligram of morphine for my pain. As she began to administer the pain medicine I felt a tightening in my chest. My breathing slowed and I felt numb from my waist down. I was aware of the steady "beeps" of the heart monitor, then I heard a long, loud straight "beep". I saw nurses rushing into the cubicle where I was and heard a code being shouted and then everything went black.
I was in a tunnel and traveling very fast. At the end of the tunnel was a bright light and I was careening toward it at break neck speed. I should be afraid but I wasn't. I felt the most indescribable amount of peace. It was wonderful! The closer I got to the light the more peace I felt. I never wanted to leave. As I came closer to the light it began to unfold like sunbeams. I had the feeling I was seeing into another world and I wanted to go there very badly.
I started to give in and turn myself over to this glorious light when I felt something call me back. From the recesses of my mind I remembered that I was in a hospital and I wasn't supposed to go anywhere. I hadn't saw my family yet, what would they do if I was gone? I must go back! I faintly heard someone calling my name and asking me to breathe. As I took a shuddering breath I slowly opened my eyes and saw the face of the perky little nurse hovering over mine.
She exclaimed with great excitement, "'Thank God! She's breathing!" and then I heard the words, "I stopped her heart with the morphine!" I didn't fully understand my experience until later but when I was coherent enough I told my family about my glimpse of eternity. I must say, it was a most beautiful experience.
Little did I know that my journey would be filled with many such experiences. This was only the beginning of the journey.
I was moved to ICU and spent one night there while a room was being prepared for me on the 6 floor where the surgery recovery patients stayed. I received the most wonderful of care from the nurses and made friends of many of them. I felt as though God had paved the way for me and somehow I had favor in the eyes of many of the nurses and doctors on my unit.
I was on seven different antibiotics around the clock to kill the massive infection in my lung and was also given many fluids. The antibiotics made me very sick and for a week I couldn't eat anything. I began to retain fluids and gained 50lbs in seven days. I was miserable. I was in constant pain from the consistent coughing and the chest tube that scraped against my lungs.
I did alot of praying and searching my heart in that time. God dealt with me on things that I had neglected in my walk with Him. My pastor and assistant pastor were a constant source of strength as they visited, prayed and encouraged. I was so thankful for a Man of God in my life at this dark time!
One morning the surgeon stepped into my room and said they had discovered what the mass in my right lung was - the diagnoses was B Cell Lymphoma. Because this type of cancer is of the lymph nodes it progresses very rapidly and is very aggressive and fast growing. He recommended chemo therapy treatments right away to stop its rapid growth.
However, before I could start the treatments I had to undergo a Bone Marrow Biopsy and a PET scan to determine if the cancer had spread through my body. I prepared myself for these additional tests and we all prayed for the best. The results came back, the cancer was contained in my right lung area only and had not spread! It was a miracle of God!
The next day Nurse Allen entered my room and with the utmost seriousness informed me I was being moved to the seventh floor. I did not yet know what the "seventh floor" was but it sounded ominousness. I inquired as to what the seventh floor was and without looking at me he quietly responded, "That's where the cancer patients go." It sounded like a death toll.
So with great trepidation I fortified myself as best I could and prepared to be moved to the cancer floor. I was reminded of Psalm 23:4 "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."
My days on the seventh floor of UAMS was an experience I'll never forget. Rarely ever did I see a patient walking the halls. All was kept quiet and as peaceful as possible and the nurses came in and out with much respect and difference to the patient. The place was very sad. I got the impression that most were sent there to wait out their last days. It was depressing and scary but it put a fight in me. I determined that I would walk out of that ward stronger than I had entered and I would beat this horrible disease!
The nurses adopted me as if I was their own and had a nickname for me, "Baby Girl". I later found out that I was the youngest patient on that floor and many looked after me as if I was their own daughter or granddaughter. Once again I was blessed with the best nurses and doctors one could ask for. I felt like Joseph in the house of Photipher!
My first night on floor seven was filled with questions, uncertainty and a little anxiousness.
The nurse assigned to me was named Jan. She was a blunt, straight forward person who loved her job and her patients. She pulled no punches and what you saw was what you got. I immediately liked her. The night was slow and quiet so Jan came in often to check on me. I had many unanswered questions about chemo treatments that were scheduled to start the following night and Jan was more than happy to answer them for me.
I asked Jan to give it to me straight and spare no details. She explained the sickness, the hair loss, the night sweats, occasional pain and general things to expect with chemo. At this point I was fearful to even begin treatments. I knew it was my only option but I also knew of friends and family who had suffered extensively at the hands of chemo and I didn't want that for myself.
Jan was an angel in disguise. She helped me to understand that sometimes healing comes through pain. We pray for instant healing, we want God to do it now! But sometimes God allows pain and trials to shape us into what we are supposed to be. Sometimes our healing comes in the form of a doctor or nurse who knows what type of treatment we need. Sometimes God gives wisdom beyond this world to our doctors to help us in our times of need. These are still the hands of God at work, however they may not be the hands we were looking for.
I had believed from the beginning of my journey that God would heal me. I was looking more along the line of an instant miracle. Even on the cancer floor the night before my chemo treatments I was still holding out for a miracle. No 21 year old wants to face the road of chemo and cancer. But Jan helped me see that sometimes God's ways are not ours and healing isn't always an instant miracle - sometimes it's a journey.
The next night at 2:00am I began my first chemo infusion. My family from Oklahoma had come in and I was surrounded by my husband, mother, father, grandmother and aunt. They kept a vigilant of prayer and encouragement around my bedside as the nurse came in clothed from head to foot in protective gear. It was a fearful experience but I remembered a promise from the Word of God, "I am with you always".
They had warned us before starting treatments that the first time can be a bit rough and they would sedate me to keep me as calm as possible. They also said something called the "rigors" usually set in after two hours of treatment and would cause uncontrollable shakes as if in a severe seizure and can also cause pain. This is a result of the immune system suddenly shutting down and all good and bad cells in the body being killed rapidly.
The first treatment lasted 6 hours. All went well until about two hours into the treatment. I began to shake uncontrollably as if in the throes of a severe seizure. My family gathered around and began to pray. The nurse called for some help and came rushing back with some pain medicine and sedation. My body gradually calmed and I went back to sleep.
The days that followed my treatment were filled with sickness and alot of coughing. I would cough until I vomited and could no longer breathe. The cancer had been attacked and seemed as if it was trying to attack me. I was on alot of medication and there are whole days in the hospital that are unaccounted for.
One night after a particularly bad coughing spell I lay gasping for breath in the recliner chair in my room. My throat was closing and although I was on oxygen I could not get any air through my nose. The nurse came rushing in and administered medicine but it wasn't working fast enough. I was struggling to breathe and beginning to panic. In a worried voice I heard my mom beg the nurse to "Please just calm her down". Sweet, little nurse Mary took me by the hand and said "I'm going to pray for you now and God will help you."
As Mary began to pray my breathing eased and a most wonderful feeling of peace filled the room. I literally felt angels descend into the room and stand at attention around my chair as she prayed. She prayed with such authority and simple faith I was humbled by her obvious connection with God. She prayed for healing, peace, and comfort to be restored back to me. She asked for angels to guard me all my life and prayed God's blessing upon me. I have never been so touched by the simple prayer of a nurse who though she did not know me, knew the God I served and went to Him on my behalf. It was experiences like those that kept me sane in my 18 day stay on the seventh floor.
One other night I had an extreme sense of restlessness. I felt as though the forces of Hell were attacking my mind and tormenting my soul. Thoughts began to plague my mind and I wondered what would happen to my young husband and family if I were to die? Would I ever have any children? Would I be "normal" again? My mom was sleeping peacefully and I didn't want to awaken her by turning on a light so I just held my Bible close to my chest and began to pray. Tears started flowing as I poured my heart out to God. I missed the warmth of my husbands embrace at night and the comfort of my own home. I told God just how I felt and said, "Jesus, I just need a hug." Instantly I felt a peaceful presence fill the room. I felt someone standing by my bedside and although I didn't see anyone I felt myself being lifted off the bed and held in the most wonderful of embraces. I felt the strong arms of God as they held me close and peace flooded my soul. I then felt as if God laid me back down in my bed and tucked me in. I slept peacefully that night without dreams. I will never forget my hug from Jesus.
Shortly before I left the hospital, I was drawn to a man who would come in and gather the trash in my room daily. There was something about him and I felt that God was dealing with me to talk to this man. I didn't know what I should say or how I should say it so I prayed for the opportunity to speak with him.
One day while going about his duties, I noticed he kept looking at me. A friend of mine had come by the hospital to help me wash and comb my hair and I had it down. I thought maybe his attention was over the extraordinary length of my uncut hair. I caught his eye and smiled and he commented that I had pretty hair. I thanked him and asked how his day was going. He said it was a good day and shortly after exited my room. I couldn't shake the feeling that God had something for that man and I needed to talk to him. But what would I say? I prayed that he would come back and shortly after, he did.
He cautiously stepped in my room and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I have been feeling that God was drawing me to you all day. I don't know what it is about you but I would like to pray for you if you don't mind." I gladly welcomed the prayer and we gathered around and joined hands. As we all began to pray I felt Heaven come into the room. I don't know what this man's experience with God was, but I strongly felt the Holy Ghost began to move and as it did, it began to speak through me. The Spirit fell and at the end of our prayer meeting we were all speaking in tongues as God gave the utterance. I never saw that man again, but I have no doubt that God was in that meeting!
These are just a few of my experiences on the Cancer Floor of UAMS. God proved Himself to be so real to me in those dark days in the hospital.
I hope these experiences of mine have encouraged and uplifted someone today. Even in the darkest of your trials God can bring beauty from ashes!
Keep reading for more on my journey with cancer.
God bless!
-Amy
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