I confess to feeling sad and just a little depressed this year as my Birthday rolled around. I reflected on what a wonderful Birthday I had the previous year, my 21st Birthday was definitely one to remember. Not for the fact that I turned 21 but that my husband proposed to me three days after my Birthday which was the best Birthday present I have ever and will ever receive.
But this year would be different because this year I had cancer. Never in my wildest dreams would I have fathomed that I would have cancer at the age of 22. I thought of all the lost months, the days of sickness, the weeks spent in the hospital wondering and waiting and then the endless days without a job just staying home and trying to get better.
I felt sad because I wasn't "well" and I could no longer go and do everything I used to be able to. I was looking at a future that by the world's standards did not look beautiful. And the worst part of it all was that I was scheduled to have another round of chemotherapy the day before my Birthday. I knew what would happen the next day. My Birthday gift would be one of sickness and pain. I would be in bed most of the day and feel downright lousy.
I admit, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I tried not to show it and didn't say anything to my husband or family. I knew it was selfish of me to indulge in these feelings so I just tried to hide it, however I did have a bit of a pity party.
As a little Birthday vacation, I went to Oklahoma for a week to visit my Granny. While there, her church was having a tent revival and I was able to attend. The first night was packed. There was close to 100 people there and the service was wonderful. Towards the end of the service I noticed a young man in the back sitting in a wheel chair. He looked so happy as he worshiped and sang. He was unable to move or stand from his wheel chair, but he gave all he had to God.
My Dad noticed me watching this young man and told me the story behind his praise. He had recently started going to church and had just received the Holy Ghost weeks before. He was 21 years old and had never stood or walked. He was born with a disease that caused his feet, legs and ankles to never develop past that of a small child.
As I watched this young man praising God with fearless abandon, I felt convicted and ashamed of the pity party I had been having for myself. Here I was, also 21 and with a very bad illness, however I knew the joy of walking and running. I may not feel as good as I would like but I can stand on my own two feet and worship God. I can walk where I need to go and I'm not confined to a wheel chair.
I cried even harder as I remembered my days in the hospital when I was confined to a wheel chair and was too weak to even walk across the room. I knew how this young man felt, I had been there not able to walk or run. I knew the struggle he went through and the pain he endured. I determined that night to praise past the pain. I would be thankful for every blessing God had given this past year and praise Him for the blessings ahead.
I would not focus on the present or even the future, I would focus on the goodness of God. As I did this, something began to change within me. I had the feeling that this would be the best Birthday I ever had.
Now I don't know how your family celebrates Birthdays, but in my family it was always a big event. Almost like Christmas. I guess being an only child also had something to do with that. Every year my parents would throw a party and I would have friends and family over. As a child the party would be a theme and we would dress to match the theme or have food and decorations to go along with that theme.
As I grew older the parties became a nice dinner with family and friends, an outing with girlfriends or a large shopping trip. Some of my Birthday's were celebrated in Branson, MO, our all time favorite vacation spot.
I was feeling disappointed about my Birthday this year because I knew there would be no celebration. After all, what were we celebrating? I know this sounds horribly selfish and I am ashamed to even share that I felt this way, but it is important for you to understand how I felt so you will better understand what comes next.
As I sat and watched that young man praising God against all odds that night I realized why this would be the best Birthday I ever had. This year I was celebrating life. I know every Birthday is a celebration of life, but when you've been diagnosed with a fatal illness and God has brought you back from the gates of death not once but twice, you REALLY have a reason to celebrate life!
I was happy this year because I'm alive. I can walk, run, eat, see, move my hands and arms. I can hear, I can talk, I'm not in a hospital and I have a wonderful husband and family. God has been better to me than I deserve. His blessings are so bountiful they are beyond counting! I have more to be thankful for this year than any year before.
I have alot to look forward to. In alot of ways when I come through this trial I will be a new person. I'll have new hair, a new life, a new attitude and a new heart. God is making all things new for me. There will be beauty for these ashes!
We decided to celebrate my Birthday a few days early knowing I would be sick on the actual day. Mom and I went shopping in Conway and I hit the jackpot. My wardrobe had been severely diminished since I've been sick because I've lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to a few favorite pieces of clothing and desperately needed some new clothes. I was able to find nearly an entire winter wardrobe for a very low price. I couldn't be happier!
After shopping, we went to eat my favorite food - sushi! Mom baked one of my favorite cakes and I had a wonderful day celebrating with my husband and mother. I received many beautiful cards and well wishes from friends and family alike and I couldn't be more thankful to them for making my day so special. It truly was the best Birthday I've ever had.
I know years from now I'll look back on this Birthday with fond memories. I'll remember this as the year that I stepped out of my shallow selfish wants and I realized what it is to be truly thankful. To truly celebrate life with reckless abandon. Unlike previous years, instead of just reading a Birthday card and appreciating the nice words, I read them and cherished it. I cherished the fact that I am ALIVE!
This post might not mean much to some of you, but maybe it will encourage someone to step out of their self and realize just how many things we all have to be thankful for.
Keep reading for more on my journey through cancer.
God Bless,
-Amy
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