The Battle Continues

"What if your blessings comes through rain drops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know He's near?

What if trials of this life are His mercies in disguise."

These words penned by Laura Story have spoken to my heart these past several months. Yesterday I received news that I really didn't want to hear. The test results from my PET scan had come in and instead of two more chemotherapy treatments, I would need four.

I began to cry in the doctors office as he gave me the news. My doctor hugged me and assured me that he still had good news. He showed me the results from the latest PET scan and showed me how much of the cancer was still alive and how much had died. I started at a 14% and now the cancer is at 4% so that is impressive progress!

Although the doctor was pleased with my progress I was disappointed. My husband and I had planned to fly to the Smoky Mountains for our one year anniversary vacation and the doctor advised against it because he felt that I wouldn't be strong enough to make the trip. So we have delayed our plans, hopefully just to February.

Another part of the news that was a bit down heartening was the fact that my doctor gives me no hope of ever regaining full use of my right lung again. He said the upper and middle lobes are completely collapsed and I will more than likely function on one lung the rest of my life.

I can live with that. It's not the news I may want but in comparison to my life, that is a small thing to do without.

I am praying for strength for these upcoming chemo treatments. The last several treatments have been harder than usual and I've dealt with sickness, increased weakness and other complications. I pray that God helps me to be brave and strong to face what I have to face.

Once again, I must brag on my wonderful husband that God has placed in my life. He is wonderful beyond words. He just told me today "I know you can do this. You are my brave girl and you are strong. You will come through this and be ok!" I love him so much for his support and for loving me for ME. In a world so filled with multiple relationships, divorce and infidelity it is a rare thing to find a young couple that can withstand something so tragic in the first year of their marriage. I'm not promoting us, but I'm promoting the goodness of God. You want the love that your grandparents had? Commit your way unto the Lord and He will direct your path. Marriages that last 50 years and more is not the stuff of legends. A love for one another that goes beyond looks is not a thing of the past.

I have decided to add a new segment to my blog. I will be uploading before and after pictures of my fight against cancer. I have made the decision to do this because if you're reading my blog but you've never actually experienced any of this it can be hard to understand. A picture speaks a thousand words. I feel that my readers will better understand my journey and the journeys of others through the lens of the camera.

Keep checking back for more posts!

God bless

-Amy

A Celebration of Life

I knew this Birthday would be different. This was a year unlike any other and this would be a Birthday to remember, one like no other.

I confess to feeling sad and just a little depressed this year as my Birthday rolled around. I reflected on what a wonderful Birthday I had the previous year, my 21st Birthday was definitely one to remember. Not for the fact that I turned 21 but that my husband proposed to me three days after my Birthday which was the best Birthday present I have ever and will ever receive.

But this year would be different because this year I had cancer. Never in my wildest dreams would I have fathomed that I would have cancer at the age of 22. I thought of all the lost months, the days of sickness, the weeks spent in the hospital wondering and waiting and then the endless days without a job just staying home and trying to get better.

I felt sad because I wasn't "well" and I could no longer go and do everything I used to be able to. I was looking at a future that by the world's standards did not look beautiful. And the worst part of it all was that I was scheduled to have another round of chemotherapy the day before my Birthday. I knew what would happen the next day. My Birthday gift would be one of sickness and pain. I would be in bed most of the day and feel downright lousy.

I admit, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I tried not to show it and didn't say anything to my husband or family. I knew it was selfish of me to indulge in these feelings so I just tried to hide it, however I did have a bit of a pity party.

As a little Birthday vacation, I went to Oklahoma for a week to visit my Granny. While there, her church was having a tent revival and I was able to attend. The first night was packed. There was close to 100 people there and the service was wonderful. Towards the end of the service I noticed a young man in the back sitting in a wheel chair. He looked so happy as he worshiped and sang. He was unable to move or stand from his wheel chair, but he gave all he had to God.

My Dad noticed me watching this young man and told me the story behind his praise. He had recently started going to church and had just received the Holy Ghost weeks before. He was 21 years old and had never stood or walked. He was born with a disease that caused his feet, legs and ankles to never develop past that of a small child.

As I watched this young man praising God with fearless abandon, I felt convicted and ashamed of the pity party I had been having for myself. Here I was, also 21 and with a very bad illness, however I knew the joy of walking and running. I may not feel as good as I would like but I can stand on my own two feet and worship God. I can walk where I need to go and I'm not confined to a wheel chair.

I cried even harder as I remembered my days in the hospital when I was confined to a wheel chair and was too weak to even walk across the room. I knew how this young man felt, I had been there not able to walk or run. I knew the struggle he went through and the pain he endured. I determined that night to praise past the pain. I would be thankful for every blessing God had given this past year and praise Him for the blessings ahead.

I would not focus on the present or even the future, I would focus on the goodness of God. As I did this, something began to change within me. I had the feeling that this would be the best Birthday I ever had.

Now I don't know how your family celebrates Birthdays, but in my family it was always a big event. Almost like Christmas. I guess being an only child also had something to do with that. Every year my parents would throw a party and I would have friends and family over. As a child the party would be a theme and we would dress to match the theme or have food and decorations to go along with that theme.

As I grew older the parties became a nice dinner with family and friends, an outing with girlfriends or a large shopping trip. Some of my Birthday's were celebrated in Branson, MO, our all time favorite vacation spot.

I was feeling disappointed about my Birthday this year because I knew there would be no celebration. After all, what were we celebrating? I know this sounds horribly selfish and I am ashamed to even share that I felt this way, but it is important for you to understand how I felt so you will better understand what comes next.

As I sat and watched that young man praising God against all odds that night I realized why this would be the best Birthday I ever had. This year I was celebrating life. I know every Birthday is a celebration of life, but when you've been diagnosed with a fatal illness and God has brought you back from the gates of death not once but twice, you REALLY have a reason to celebrate life!

I was happy this year because I'm alive. I can walk, run, eat, see, move my hands and arms. I can hear, I can talk, I'm not in a hospital and I have a wonderful husband and family. God has been better to me than I deserve. His blessings are so bountiful they are beyond counting! I have more to be thankful for this year than any year before.

I have alot to look forward to. In alot of ways when I come through this trial I will be a new person. I'll have new hair, a new life, a new attitude and a new heart. God is making all things new for me. There will be beauty for these ashes!

We decided to celebrate my Birthday a few days early knowing I would be sick on the actual day. Mom and I went shopping in Conway and I hit the jackpot. My wardrobe had been severely diminished since I've been sick because I've lost quite a bit of weight. I was down to a few favorite pieces of clothing and desperately needed some new clothes. I was able to find nearly an entire winter wardrobe for a very low price. I couldn't be happier!

After shopping, we went to eat my favorite food - sushi! Mom baked one of my favorite cakes and I had a wonderful day celebrating with my husband and mother. I received many beautiful cards and well wishes from friends and family alike and I couldn't be more thankful to them for making my day so special. It truly was the best Birthday I've ever had.

I know years from now I'll look back on this Birthday with fond memories. I'll remember this as the year that I stepped out of my shallow selfish wants and I realized what it is to be truly thankful. To truly celebrate life with reckless abandon. Unlike previous years, instead of just reading a Birthday card and appreciating the nice words, I read them and cherished it. I cherished the fact that I am ALIVE!

This post might not mean much to some of you, but maybe it will encourage someone to step out of their self and realize just how many things we all have to be thankful for.

Keep reading for more on my journey through cancer.

God Bless,

-Amy

Blessings

I didn't know what we were going to do. We had faced some struggles in our marriage prior to this one and God had always come through and provided our every need but it seemed so much worse now that we were also facing cancer.

I won't go into alot of detail here because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and feel sorry for us. This is not about feeling sorry for us, but about a testimony to the faithfulness of our God.

There had been some changes made on my husbands job and everyone wasn't getting as many hours as they were orginally scheduled. The bills kept piling in and Medicaid still hasn't come through for our hospital bills. As I lay in bed feeling helpless to do anything, my husband held me and reminded me of the words I had told him in the past, "Honey don't worry about anything. Just pray and give it to God. Something will come through. Didn't David say he had never seen the righteous forsaken or their seed begging bread? God will provide. Just give it to Him." I decided I couldn't do anything else but pray so I began to cry out to God. "God we need a miracle! What will we do? You know there is no way we can make it unless you step in."

The next morning we wrote up a budget for all of our bills. We discovered that if we were very careful we would have everything covered in October except groceries. Just a minor little detail! ha! We still had some food in the cabinet from last months grocery trip so I told him we could make that last as long as we needed to. I thought everything was taken care of. We were depending on the fact that my disability check should come through anytime and that would save us.

I was feeling some better and then a few days later I received a letter from the Social Security office stating that my disability claim would be held until the end of this month because my illness was recent. I realized the storm wasn't over. Now what would we do? With no promise of a check coming in we had no way to pay all of the bills and eat this month. God would HAVE to come through for us. There was no other way.

I entered into my prayer closet again and sent up a desperate plea for help. I would not ask anyone for handouts, we weren't looking for free money we had not worked for, we just needed God to intervene. I was reminded that God owned the cattle on a thousand hills, couldn't I trust him to take care of us?

I felt some peace after that and determined to give this matter to the Lord.

A few days later, God certainly came through! My parents church decided to have a benefit garage sale/bake sale for us and made enough to cover our rent for the next month. Then a few days before my birthday my parents pastors wife came to my mom and wanted to give me a Birthday gift. She asked mom what I might need and mom simply replied "groceries". This dear lady went above and beyond what I could've imagined. She filled my mom's back seat and trunk with everything from food to personal items! We had our groceries for October!

I called to tell my husband of the good news and he had some news of his own. A family member had asked for a grocery list and went to the store and bought everything on our list. Our kitchen cabinets were full and over flowing! God never blesses half way!

That following Sunday at church a brother in the church walked up and handed us a check. When we got home we discovered it was just the amount to cover our electric bill. Thank you Jesus! He had provided our every need and we had more than enough!

That same week a co worker of my husbands found out he didn't have as many hours as he usually has and offered to let my husband work one of his shifts so he would have more hours. God had answered our every prayer. He never does things half way! I can testify that He IS an on time God!

Most people don't realize this but not only is the fight against cancer a physical battle, but it is a finical battle and a battle of the mind.

You see, cancer causes so many more side effects than one can simply see with the eye but it creates a battle in the mind. You must conqure fear, the feeling of helplessness, uselessness, and the feeling that you're no longer beautiful or worth anything. Finical stress just adds to these battles. Most cancer patients face the struggle of insurmountable medical bills due to long stays in the hospital and on going treatments and doctor visits. This can had a huge strain on an already strained life.

I've learned through prayer and Bible reading the key to winning this battle. That is simply to have a made up mind that no matter how hard the road gets or how bad the fight is, I will not give up. I will overcome. If you make up in you're mind that you are a winner and you will not accept defeat, part of your battle has already been won. You must have a made up mind.

My former pastor used to tell me when I was going through a trial to look at the "bear hides on my wall" meaning to look back over my past trials and victories and like David say, "I slew the lion and I slew the bear, Who are you, a Philistine to defy the army of the Living God?" I can look back at past trials and say, "If I overcome that, I can overcome this."

May you be an Overcomer today in all you do for God's glory!

Stay posted for more of my stories about my fight against cancer!

God Bless,

-Amy Whitfield

The Battle

I awoke early that morning. It was my first chemo treatment at the clinic at UAMS and I wanted to be ready on time. I didn't know what to expect and was a bit nervous but was told that my second treatment would be easier than my first.

I walked into a packed waiting room where many patients sat with vacant stares and no smiles. I was greeted by a rather rude nurse who demanded my name and then shoved a paper in my face for me to sign in. I was put off by her uncaring attitude in a place of obvious suffering but I determined to be nice to her and let Christ's light shine through me.

I signed my name and then waited. I had brought my mother and father along with me for my first treatment since my husband had to work and couldn't be there.

We waited for awhile and finally my name was called. I knew they would do blood work first and then I would go see my doctor to see what my results were and if my blood count was high enough I would go on to do my chemotherapy.

I carried my bag of hard candy Jolly Ranchers with me into the area where they did blood work because I knew from experience that the flush they used on my port was so strong in taste that it made me sick. A kind nurse in the hospital had told me that if I chewed on a piece of candy while they were flushing my port the taste wouldn't be so strong.

I entered a room as quiet as a tomb. There were cubicles all over like miniature hospital rooms but instead of doors there were curtains you could close for a bit of privacy. All the patients I saw were sleeping and looked to be in a drugged stupor. It was a truly scary place for a 21 year old to be entering for the first time. Fear of the unknown had my stomach clenched in knots.

My dad decided to go back with me for moral support. I was fearful that accessing my port would be painful as this was the first time I had ever had it accessed. I was told to rub the area on my skin with Preparation H to numb the skin so I wouldn't feel the sharp bee sting as the needle penetrated my skin. The needles they use for ports are about a half inch long and as thick as the end of a pen, so it's definitely something I did not want to feel if I could keep from it.

The night before my mom had a hankie anointed with oil and prayed over by Pastor Holmes and Bro. Betts and gave it to me to take with me for chemo. I clutched my hankie and prayed while the nurse prepared the area to access my port. She asked me to take a deep breath and on the count of three she entered my skin with the needle. I didn't feel a thing! She then began to take samples of my blood, which is my least favorite part. I always feel weak and shaky after they draw my blood.

I wasn't in there very long and then all was finished! I headed back up to the seventh floor where my doctors office was held. Again, I signed in and waited. After being called back we reviewed my blood work. The doctor read to us the level of my white blood cells, red blood cells, etc. Everything was high and exceptionally good so I was cleared to start chemotherapy that day.

We made our way down to the food court to eat lunch before starting chemo. I was so nervous I could hardly eat. Although this was my second round of chemo I was sedated for the first and slept through it so I didn't know what to expect. I was also told the rigors could happen a second time.

I made my way back into the room where they administered treatments. I was lead to a cubicle in the back by a kind, young nurse. I told her I was nervous because it was my first time and she did what she could to ease my fears.

First I was given two tylenol and some Kytrel as nausea medicine, then she administered some Benedryl through my IV to sedate me. I began to nod off to sleep a few minutes later. I then realized why it was so quiet and most of the patients were sleeping; they were all sedated prior to chemo.

I tolerated the treatment well. They started me off slow and then sped it up to maximum speed and all went well - no riggors the second time. Four and a half hours later I was done. I felt very groggy and tired after the dramatic experience of the whole day, but I didn't feel sick so we decided to celebrate with a take out dinner from Texas Roadhouse.

I ordered steak, baked potato and all the trimmings. I ate and felt pretty good that night. Little did I know that a hard learned lesson would be waiting on me the next morning. I woke up at 5:00am and before I could make it back to bed I was very sick. The rest of my day followed that pattern. I lost my nausea medicine I was scheduled to take and would get a little better and eat a few bites and immediately lose everything again. I was sick and hurting all over the entire day.

The days following were a little easier to handle but still very painful and rough. I had some dark nights and even darker mornings, but I made it through! By the second week I was feeling almost normal and by the third week I felt great! And then it was time to do it all over again. However, this time it wasn't as bad. I only got sick once and was able to control the pain pretty well with pain medicine.

I learned never to eat your favorite foods during chemo. As long as I live I will probably never be able to touch another steak again.

I have struggled with my anemia during chemo because it makes everything that much harder when you're already weak and low on blood. Chemo also tends to do that to you because it depletes yours system so much. I also learned what to expect the week after chemotherapy.

The five days I'm on prednisone after my treatment I can expect to be starving all the time. I have about five foods that I like to eat during this time because my stomach is still very sensitive and I must be careful to eat very mild things so I don't make myself sick. My mouth and throat also becomes sore about five days after my treatment so I have to be very careful of my diet and what I drink. On Day 6 after my treatment I can expect to feel very sore and bruised all over. My face and entire body hurts as if someone slammed me against hard concrete. Even the gentlest of touches is very painful. This is a result of the poison that chemo is pumping through my system. My lymph nodes swell in my neck and throat and everything aches all over. I also experience severe dizzy spells during this time as my blood count drops drastically.

This will last until about day 8 after my treatment and then I will begin to start feeling better. By day 9 & 10 my strength will return and I'm almost like my old self. I've learned to deal with all of this and take it in stride. I can tell you when these things will happen before they ever occur because I've watched the cycle and it's like clock work every month.

I just recently had my fourth chemo treatment and will find out the 24 of this month if I have 2 or 4 more treatments to go. I'm really hoping for 2! That would put me finishing chemo right before Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas present! At the beginning of my diagnosis they discussed giving me radiation as well due to the massive size of the cancer. However, I have responded so well to the chemo that they believe they can kill all of the cancer with just 6 treatments and no radiation. I'm hoping that is the case.

This has been a battle and a journey that I do not care to repeat. I pray I will never have to experience again what I have experienced in the last several months. This type of cancer, B Cell Lymphoma, has a very high cure rate and I was given an 80% chance of a total cure after chemotherapy. I was staged at a Stage 2 cancer but told that is still far better than it could've been.

I'm very thankful for the support of friends and family during this hard time. I cannot mention them without mentioning my precious husband of only 8 months. He has proven himself to be the man I knew he was when I married him. The hard times have shaped him into a loving, caring, warrior for my cause. He truly is my biggest supporter and I don't know what I would do without him. His love and support knows no bounds and he is always a strong rock I can lean on in the storms of life. When I am weak and at the end of my rope, he just reminds me to pray and not worry. "Just give it to God and stop worrying about it." He so often likes to remind me.

The hard times have been good for us because it has made our love for one another so much stronger. Our marriage is stronger for the hard times we've had to experience so early on. I have been told many times if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. I truly believe with God's help we can make it through the storms of life victoriously.

Thank you for reading my post and stay tuned for more on my journey through cancer.

God Bless,

-Amy Whitfield

Trusting God In the Midst of the Storm

Sometimes the words, "Lord, I still trust you" are the hardest words you'll ever say.

When we're in the midst of the storm and it seems that all hope is lost, God still calls us to trust Him.

Doubts will cloud our mind, storm clouds darken the horizon, the wind begins to blow and our ship is tossed about on the angry waves of this sea called life. But if we have the Master on our ship, we have nothing to fear!

Several weeks back I traveled to Oklahoma for a visit with my family. While there I attended church with them and one Sunday night they had a visiting preacher.

This man had never saw me and I had never saw him before. As we walked through the doors and sat down on the pew I noticed him paying close attention.

Throughout the service I made eye contact with him several times. It was obvious that he was watching me, but I didn't know why. I had a feeling that God was going to do something special but I didn't know what.

The worship progressed and then it was time for the visiting minister to come forward. He stepped to the pulpit and immediately pointed to me. He said, "I have never saw you before but as soon as you walked through the doors tonight, God spoke to me. I would like for you to come to the front so I can pray for you."

I had been expecting something, but not that. I was a little surprised and even looked around to see if he was talking about someone else, but no, it was me. I made my way to the front and he said, "You have been sick for a long time. This is not the end, God is not finished with you yet. God has something for you to do." He asked the church to join him in prayer and said that I would receive strength in my body when he prayed for me.

The church began to pray and as he laid his hand on my head I felt a warmth go from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. I have never felt that before. I don't know what it was, but I do know that I have been stronger since the night he prayed for me. I have experienced less sickness with the chemo treatments and I have been able to do more. I am so thankful for the healing touch of God!

It amazes me how God is so mindful of us. To send a preacher my way who I have never seen or met in a little country church in the small town of Tahlequah Oklahoma to pray for me in my time of need was so amazing to me. God truly knows us by name!

God doesn't promise an easy road, but He does promise strength for the journey,

God doesn't promise a life without pain but he promises grace through the pain,

God doesn't promise a road with no trouble, but he promises to be with us in trouble,

God doesn't promise everything we want, but he promises to meet our every need.

My husband and I have faced many storms while sailing our ship.

I was always told upon getting married that the first year is always the hardest. I wondered what people meant by this because adjusting to living with another person wasn't hard for me. We had few arguments and got along very well so the storm wasn't personal issues.

For us the storm came in the form of a sickness that turned out to be cancer.

The storm came in learning how to walk through everyday uncertainty and still survive. The storm came in trusting God for our needs because we suddenly found ourselves buried deep in medical bills.

But through the storm God has always proven to be faithful.

Whatever your storm may be today, always remember that with the Master on board your ship will safely reach the port. You will make it through the storm.

God still speaks peace in the midst of the storm!

Blessings,

-Amy

Adjustments

It was time to go home! I was so happy I was finally leaving the hospital. I had almost forgotten what my own house looked like and I longed for the taste of home cooking after eating hospital food for 18 days. I was leaving a much different person than I had come. I was 50lbs heavier due to the retention of fluid and I had multiple scars on my body from two surgeries, an IV line, and the rapid weight gain. However, I was leaving and that was the important thing.

My next few weeks at home were about learning to adjust again. Because of the rapid weight gain I had suddenly found myself living in another person's body. My clothes didn't fit and I had a difficult time walking around the house because I wasn't accustomed to the extra weight. However in just seven days I had not only lost the 50lbs I gained in the hospital, but an additional 10lbs. I was suddenly smaller than I had ever been in my life! Now instead of my clothes being too small, they hung on me!

While in the hospital there were many things discussed about the after effects of chemo that I didn't fully understand until I got home and was able to process it all in my mind without the effects of drugs clouding my ability to comprehend.

As I sat at home contemplating these things I remembered one such instance that occurred right before I was given my first infusion of chemotherapy. I was prepped and ready to begin treatments when my doctor walked in and sat on the edge of my bed. He began to explain to my husband and I that because of my youth and the harshness of the treatments it was very likely that we would become infertile. He said the only chance we had of conceiving a child was if they could harvest my eggs and do invetrofertilization when we were ready to have children.

This sounded like a satisfactory solution to us until further questioning revealed that because certain factors were not lined up correctly in my biological clock, it was too late to harvest my eggs. The doctor said, "The choice is yours. You can wait three weeks to harvest eggs or you can begin treatments right away but frankly, you don't have three weeks to wait. This is a matter of life and death."

He offered to leave us alone so we could discuss our decision in privacy but my husband was already shaking his head. I knew what our decision had to be. I turned to the doctor and said, "We don't need to discuss it. Start the treatments. It's all we can do."

It was with a heavy heart that we continued on for the rest of that day. Just as any young married couple we had dreamed of one day starting our own little family and holding our babies in our arms. We never dreamed that such a simple thing would end in so tragic a loss. I love children and have always worked with them in some capacity. I anxiously awaited the day when I could hold my own son or daughter in my arms and show them all the love a mother has. Seth came from a good sized family and dreamed of having a large family of his own. We both planned to have a large house in the country filled with giggling children. Now had all of our dreams just turned to dust in a few short minutes?

But all is not lost. We believe in miracles and we believe in a God who rewards those who are faithful to Him. Our children are in God's hands and if they be biological or not doesn't really matter. We will have children one day by the grace of God and every one of them will be a little miracle from the Lord.

And then came the fateful day that I had dreaded since arriving home from the hospital. My doctors had assured me with no uncertainty that I would experience hair loss with my type of chemo treatments. It was inevitable and unavoidable. This was one of the things I dreaded the most about chemo because for as long as I could remember I had wanted long hair. I prayed as a child to have long, beautiful hair and God had granted that prayer. My hair now reached to my ankles and I had never put a pair of scissors to it.

Exactly 21 days after my first chemo treatment, I began to notice little pieces of hair everywhere. Knowing what was happening but not wanting to face the reality of it I simply decided to ignore the obvious. One night as Mom was helping me comb out my hair a large piece of it just fell out. It was the most unnatural, grotesque thing I had ever witnessed. She immediately stopped combing and we just braided it and put it up.

A few days later a friend came over to help me comb and wash my hair. Again, more hair came out as she combed. That night as my husband ran his hands through my hair in the comforting way I was used to, a large handful came out in his hand.

I knew it was happening. It was unavoidable now. I had to face reality. The next day as I washed my hair, I experienced the loss of the remainder of what was once my glory. This experience was one of the worst I've been through since discovering I had cancer and was one of the hardest things to deal with. I had to keep reminding myself that it is just hair and it will grow back. I decided to put a smile on things and wear my cute hats and wigs with pride. After all, who gets the opportunity to change their appearance so drastically every day?

Through it all my husband has been my champion. He has encouraged and held me through the hard times. Our love has grown stronger because of the battles we have had to face in our short lives together. He still calls me his "beautiful angel" and to a woman who has no hair, that means the world!

Cancer has stolen alot from us. It has ravaged my body with its greedy teeth, it has caused many sleepless nights, many tears that shouldn't have been shed and many losses that cannot be recovered. But in all it's ugliness, cancer has also given us so much.

I now find a new joy in the simple things of life. Things that I took for granted before I now thank God for because I know there was once a day when I was unable to enjoy even the simple pleasures that life can give.

Cancer has taught me to love and appreciate others for who they are and to forgive unconditionally because I never know when the time will come that I'll need that same forgiveness.

Cancer has taught me that life is short. Enjoy things while you can because you never know when that day will come that you are unable to do or accomplish what you dreamed.

Most importantly, cancer has taught me to be a fighter. Never let your trial overcome you. You may not have the strength to face the mountain alone but the God in you will empower you to do all things through Him. Strength doesn't always come when we think we're at our weakest, but when we truly are. I have learned that God's grace is and always will be sufficient to meet our every need.

I will overcome this disease. I will make it through the storm victoriously because there are no losers when you live for Jesus. Either way, I will come out a winner because I read the back of the book and I'm an overcomer. Not by might, nor by power but by His Spirit.

I hope my ramblings encouraged someone today to press a little harder, go that extra mile, reach out to that loved one or neighbor that God has placed on your heart. None of us are exempt. We never know when trouble will knock on our door. When God calls our name will we be able to say "I have a testimony! I walked through the fire and I came out as gold." Or will we have to say with shame "I was given my opportunity and I turned it away for the convenient road in life."

Make a difference today!

God Bless

-Amy

The Journey

As I lay in the recovery room at UAMS I could hear the steady "beep" of the heart monitors and the nurses muted voices as they went from cubicle to cubicle checking on patients. I became aware of a pain in my chest and memories came flooding back to me. I had undergone a surgical biopsy earlier that day to determine what type of cancer I had.

I wondered for a moment where my family was and if they knew the outcome of the surgery yet.

As I lay in pain with a chest tube draining from my right lung a perky little nurse poked her head in the cubicle where I was. She inquired to my well being and I asked if I could have anything for the pain. She brought some water and returned shortly with a syringe filled with a clear substance.

She explained that she had one milligram of morphine for my pain. As she began to administer the pain medicine I felt a tightening in my chest. My breathing slowed and I felt numb from my waist down. I was aware of the steady "beeps" of the heart monitor, then I heard a long, loud straight "beep". I saw nurses rushing into the cubicle where I was and heard a code being shouted and then everything went black.

I was in a tunnel and traveling very fast. At the end of the tunnel was a bright light and I was careening toward it at break neck speed. I should be afraid but I wasn't. I felt the most indescribable amount of peace. It was wonderful! The closer I got to the light the more peace I felt. I never wanted to leave. As I came closer to the light it began to unfold like sunbeams. I had the feeling I was seeing into another world and I wanted to go there very badly.

I started to give in and turn myself over to this glorious light when I felt something call me back. From the recesses of my mind I remembered that I was in a hospital and I wasn't supposed to go anywhere. I hadn't saw my family yet, what would they do if I was gone? I must go back! I faintly heard someone calling my name and asking me to breathe. As I took a shuddering breath I slowly opened my eyes and saw the face of the perky little nurse hovering over mine.

She exclaimed with great excitement, "'Thank God! She's breathing!" and then I heard the words, "I stopped her heart with the morphine!" I didn't fully understand my experience until later but when I was coherent enough I told my family about my glimpse of eternity. I must say, it was a most beautiful experience.

Little did I know that my journey would be filled with many such experiences. This was only the beginning of the journey.

I was moved to ICU and spent one night there while a room was being prepared for me on the 6 floor where the surgery recovery patients stayed. I received the most wonderful of care from the nurses and made friends of many of them. I felt as though God had paved the way for me and somehow I had favor in the eyes of many of the nurses and doctors on my unit.

I was on seven different antibiotics around the clock to kill the massive infection in my lung and was also given many fluids. The antibiotics made me very sick and for a week I couldn't eat anything. I began to retain fluids and gained 50lbs in seven days. I was miserable. I was in constant pain from the consistent coughing and the chest tube that scraped against my lungs.

I did alot of praying and searching my heart in that time. God dealt with me on things that I had neglected in my walk with Him. My pastor and assistant pastor were a constant source of strength as they visited, prayed and encouraged. I was so thankful for a Man of God in my life at this dark time!

One morning the surgeon stepped into my room and said they had discovered what the mass in my right lung was - the diagnoses was B Cell Lymphoma. Because this type of cancer is of the lymph nodes it progresses very rapidly and is very aggressive and fast growing. He recommended chemo therapy treatments right away to stop its rapid growth.

However, before I could start the treatments I had to undergo a Bone Marrow Biopsy and a PET scan to determine if the cancer had spread through my body. I prepared myself for these additional tests and we all prayed for the best. The results came back, the cancer was contained in my right lung area only and had not spread! It was a miracle of God!

The next day Nurse Allen entered my room and with the utmost seriousness informed me I was being moved to the seventh floor. I did not yet know what the "seventh floor" was but it sounded ominousness. I inquired as to what the seventh floor was and without looking at me he quietly responded, "That's where the cancer patients go." It sounded like a death toll.

So with great trepidation I fortified myself as best I could and prepared to be moved to the cancer floor. I was reminded of Psalm 23:4 "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

My days on the seventh floor of UAMS was an experience I'll never forget. Rarely ever did I see a patient walking the halls. All was kept quiet and as peaceful as possible and the nurses came in and out with much respect and difference to the patient. The place was very sad. I got the impression that most were sent there to wait out their last days. It was depressing and scary but it put a fight in me. I determined that I would walk out of that ward stronger than I had entered and I would beat this horrible disease!

The nurses adopted me as if I was their own and had a nickname for me, "Baby Girl". I later found out that I was the youngest patient on that floor and many looked after me as if I was their own daughter or granddaughter. Once again I was blessed with the best nurses and doctors one could ask for. I felt like Joseph in the house of Photipher!

My first night on floor seven was filled with questions, uncertainty and a little anxiousness.

The nurse assigned to me was named Jan. She was a blunt, straight forward person who loved her job and her patients. She pulled no punches and what you saw was what you got. I immediately liked her. The night was slow and quiet so Jan came in often to check on me. I had many unanswered questions about chemo treatments that were scheduled to start the following night and Jan was more than happy to answer them for me.

I asked Jan to give it to me straight and spare no details. She explained the sickness, the hair loss, the night sweats, occasional pain and general things to expect with chemo. At this point I was fearful to even begin treatments. I knew it was my only option but I also knew of friends and family who had suffered extensively at the hands of chemo and I didn't want that for myself.

Jan was an angel in disguise. She helped me to understand that sometimes healing comes through pain. We pray for instant healing, we want God to do it now! But sometimes God allows pain and trials to shape us into what we are supposed to be. Sometimes our healing comes in the form of a doctor or nurse who knows what type of treatment we need. Sometimes God gives wisdom beyond this world to our doctors to help us in our times of need. These are still the hands of God at work, however they may not be the hands we were looking for.

I had believed from the beginning of my journey that God would heal me. I was looking more along the line of an instant miracle. Even on the cancer floor the night before my chemo treatments I was still holding out for a miracle. No 21 year old wants to face the road of chemo and cancer. But Jan helped me see that sometimes God's ways are not ours and healing isn't always an instant miracle - sometimes it's a journey.

The next night at 2:00am I began my first chemo infusion. My family from Oklahoma had come in and I was surrounded by my husband, mother, father, grandmother and aunt. They kept a vigilant of prayer and encouragement around my bedside as the nurse came in clothed from head to foot in protective gear. It was a fearful experience but I remembered a promise from the Word of God, "I am with you always".

They had warned us before starting treatments that the first time can be a bit rough and they would sedate me to keep me as calm as possible. They also said something called the "rigors" usually set in after two hours of treatment and would cause uncontrollable shakes as if in a severe seizure and can also cause pain. This is a result of the immune system suddenly shutting down and all good and bad cells in the body being killed rapidly.

The first treatment lasted 6 hours. All went well until about two hours into the treatment. I began to shake uncontrollably as if in the throes of a severe seizure. My family gathered around and began to pray. The nurse called for some help and came rushing back with some pain medicine and sedation. My body gradually calmed and I went back to sleep.

The days that followed my treatment were filled with sickness and alot of coughing. I would cough until I vomited and could no longer breathe. The cancer had been attacked and seemed as if it was trying to attack me. I was on alot of medication and there are whole days in the hospital that are unaccounted for.

One night after a particularly bad coughing spell I lay gasping for breath in the recliner chair in my room. My throat was closing and although I was on oxygen I could not get any air through my nose. The nurse came rushing in and administered medicine but it wasn't working fast enough. I was struggling to breathe and beginning to panic. In a worried voice I heard my mom beg the nurse to "Please just calm her down". Sweet, little nurse Mary took me by the hand and said "I'm going to pray for you now and God will help you."

As Mary began to pray my breathing eased and a most wonderful feeling of peace filled the room. I literally felt angels descend into the room and stand at attention around my chair as she prayed. She prayed with such authority and simple faith I was humbled by her obvious connection with God. She prayed for healing, peace, and comfort to be restored back to me. She asked for angels to guard me all my life and prayed God's blessing upon me. I have never been so touched by the simple prayer of a nurse who though she did not know me, knew the God I served and went to Him on my behalf. It was experiences like those that kept me sane in my 18 day stay on the seventh floor.

One other night I had an extreme sense of restlessness. I felt as though the forces of Hell were attacking my mind and tormenting my soul. Thoughts began to plague my mind and I wondered what would happen to my young husband and family if I were to die? Would I ever have any children? Would I be "normal" again? My mom was sleeping peacefully and I didn't want to awaken her by turning on a light so I just held my Bible close to my chest and began to pray. Tears started flowing as I poured my heart out to God. I missed the warmth of my husbands embrace at night and the comfort of my own home. I told God just how I felt and said, "Jesus, I just need a hug." Instantly I felt a peaceful presence fill the room. I felt someone standing by my bedside and although I didn't see anyone I felt myself being lifted off the bed and held in the most wonderful of embraces. I felt the strong arms of God as they held me close and peace flooded my soul. I then felt as if God laid me back down in my bed and tucked me in. I slept peacefully that night without dreams. I will never forget my hug from Jesus.

Shortly before I left the hospital, I was drawn to a man who would come in and gather the trash in my room daily. There was something about him and I felt that God was dealing with me to talk to this man. I didn't know what I should say or how I should say it so I prayed for the opportunity to speak with him.

One day while going about his duties, I noticed he kept looking at me. A friend of mine had come by the hospital to help me wash and comb my hair and I had it down. I thought maybe his attention was over the extraordinary length of my uncut hair. I caught his eye and smiled and he commented that I had pretty hair. I thanked him and asked how his day was going. He said it was a good day and shortly after exited my room. I couldn't shake the feeling that God had something for that man and I needed to talk to him. But what would I say? I prayed that he would come back and shortly after, he did.

He cautiously stepped in my room and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I have been feeling that God was drawing me to you all day. I don't know what it is about you but I would like to pray for you if you don't mind." I gladly welcomed the prayer and we gathered around and joined hands. As we all began to pray I felt Heaven come into the room. I don't know what this man's experience with God was, but I strongly felt the Holy Ghost began to move and as it did, it began to speak through me. The Spirit fell and at the end of our prayer meeting we were all speaking in tongues as God gave the utterance. I never saw that man again, but I have no doubt that God was in that meeting!

These are just a few of my experiences on the Cancer Floor of UAMS. God proved Himself to be so real to me in those dark days in the hospital.

I hope these experiences of mine have encouraged and uplifted someone today. Even in the darkest of your trials God can bring beauty from ashes!

Keep reading for more on my journey with cancer.

God bless!

-Amy